Dear Hunter Fan Company

Dear Hunter Ceiling Fans,

There are many things that I can accomplish in five minutes. I can boil an egg. I can decide that I want to better my life, and then think better about it and begin a nap. I can take a shower while shaving with reasonable success, and I can create human life. Five minutes, that's all I need.

I cannot, in five minutes, put up your five minute ceiling fan.

I already had two of your fans in my house, one in the kitchen and one in the living room. I did not install either, but I observed from a distance. To be honest it looked terribly difficult but nonetheless I imagined that I'd be able to eventually throw up a ceiling fan and make our bedroom pretty and cool. When we saw your 'five minute fan' in Lowes, I adjusted your claims to take into account my inadequacies of all things manly, and gave myself two hours.

It took roughly two hours for me to open the box, get the directions, attempt to read them, cry for a bit, have a cup of tea, think to myself, then put up an ad on craigslist.com for a real man to help.

We eventually found a licensed electrician who said he'd come and help us install your five minute ceiling fan. It took him, and please note that he was paid for the job and not by the hour, two and a half hours to install the five minute fan.

It has taken me five minutes to write this letter. Writing letters I can do, I consider myself an expert. Our electrician considered himself an expert in installing ceiling fans.

My question to you therefore is... Who, and in what circumstances could ever put this fan up in five minutes?

I await your response,

Jeremy